No Longer Highschoolers!

Congrats to Shane and Shawn for graduating High School this year! You guys did great!

Pain

Have you ever stopped to think, why do the ones you love hurt you the most?? Well I did, and I still can't seem to grasp the answer. I was blind to the problems, I wanted something to go right in my life for once that I ruined it. I tried so hard to be perfect for someone, when in the end I made them miserable, and in the end myself. I have never felt this much of pain before. It feels like my heart is seriously gone. I thought I would never have to feel this pain again when I met him, boy was I wrong. To think I have to wake up and see our daughters face every morning, and be reminding of the pain for the rest of my life doesn't seem possible. But I have to push through it, I have to survive for her. She is my world now, she is the only one I need to worry about making happy. Is this going to effect her? I believe it will effect her in every way possible. She will know Mommy and Daddy aren't together because Mommy screwed everything up. She will be one of those kids who has to go back and forth to different houses however many times a month or a year. I never wanted this life for her, I wanted her life to be as perfect as possible, but instead I ruined any chance of that. I never thought I would have to speak the words, or label myself a "Single Parent"

In the past when this type of thing happened to me I would wish that the certain person would feel how I felt, or that karma would catch up to them. But this time is different. This guy is different. I want him to be happy. I want him to find the girl he will actually spend the rest of his life with. I would never wish him to feel the pain that I feel, because I know how badly it hurts.

For me on the other hand, I don't think I will ever be able to move on. I loved him and I still do. I thought he was the one. I gave him my whole heart. I have nothing left to give to any one. And besides who would want to be with a Single Parent. Who wants to support another person's child if they have nothing left to give them. Whether this pain will go away or not in time, I don't know. But I do know that it will probably take the next 18 years.

Every time I look into our daughters eyes, I remember the first time I saw him, the first time we hung out. And the moment I laid eyes on OUR creation, the child that had BOTH of us in her. Those were the perfect moments in my life. My happiest moments. My last happiest moments I will probably have.

I am sorry for everything I had done to him, I am sorry that I didn't listen more, or that the stress of taking care of a child practically by myself got to me. I have said I am sorry a thousand times, and I will say it a thousand more.

Vent

I have been needing to vent for a while..

Why does it seem that when things should be looking up, instead they are spinning down further and further, deeper in the black hole?

On a better note, Hailey NO long spits up. They found out that anything she eats or drinks that has a thinner consistency then honey or nectar, it comes back out of her stomach, sits on her vocal cords, and slowly drips in her lungs. So the diagnosis is was that she has had pneumonia for the whole short 7 months she has been in this world. After adding things to thicken her feedings she is doing much better, now to just get over the double ear infection hump. I am hoping by her first birthday she will be healthy for once, and maybe not have her milk protein allergy. I am already starting to plan her first birthday! I know where it will be held and the theme of the whole deal. Now to just pick one of the dozen invites that i have chosen as a favorite on a website that I love! And order them, and figure out how many people to invite!

This past year has gone by so fast! I wouldn't trade anything for it. Tough times have came, some to stay and some have left. We learn from the things that go wrong in our life, I just wish there was a easier way to learn those lessons, instead of having the heartbreak, hurt, and countless hours of tears and sleepless nights. I have also been blessed with great times with friends, and family. I have witnessed my daughter grow, she started crawling at 7 months and saying "momma" and "dadda" at 6 months. We're still waiting on those teeth, and hair but those too will come with time.

She loves frozen strawberries and blueberries

She loves trying to follow our dogs out the dog door to play. Needless to say I always catch her, and our dogs don't seem to like her now that she crawls, maybe it's because she eats there food, pulls their hair, and chases them. Why they don't love any of that I don't know, because she does all those things to me, but I still love her!

She doesn't like getting photo's taken of her late at night, especially if she is naked, and if its done by her Aunty Jennifer, who kisses her way to much in Hailey's opinion.

She loves sticking anything into her mouth that she possibly can, including shoes.

I loved her from the moment she came into this world, even through all the sleepless nights, and visits to the hospitals. She is silly, she crawls flat footed not letting her knees touch the ground. She may be somewhat hairless, and have fat legs or cheeks. But she is my Hailey bug.

I could write for days about her, but I think I will end it here, for I believe she is getting hungry because she is trying to chew on my toes!

Orange

This is after a little wipe up, and only about 4 bites. I tried to save the high chair cover so its off. "I think orange suits me! Don't you?" - Hailey

Tonight is bath night btw

Sorry

I am sorry to announce that Shane and my wedding has been canceled. He realized that it was to soon for him and that he was not ready. Whether we will ever get married I don't know it's up in the air at the moment. Sorry for such short notice.

Hailey is officially a crawler

Aunt Jennifer got her to crawl for her phone! Took many attempts for her to do it because she saw my camera