Pain

Have you ever stopped to think, why do the ones you love hurt you the most?? Well I did, and I still can't seem to grasp the answer. I was blind to the problems, I wanted something to go right in my life for once that I ruined it. I tried so hard to be perfect for someone, when in the end I made them miserable, and in the end myself. I have never felt this much of pain before. It feels like my heart is seriously gone. I thought I would never have to feel this pain again when I met him, boy was I wrong. To think I have to wake up and see our daughters face every morning, and be reminding of the pain for the rest of my life doesn't seem possible. But I have to push through it, I have to survive for her. She is my world now, she is the only one I need to worry about making happy. Is this going to effect her? I believe it will effect her in every way possible. She will know Mommy and Daddy aren't together because Mommy screwed everything up. She will be one of those kids who has to go back and forth to different houses however many times a month or a year. I never wanted this life for her, I wanted her life to be as perfect as possible, but instead I ruined any chance of that. I never thought I would have to speak the words, or label myself a "Single Parent"

In the past when this type of thing happened to me I would wish that the certain person would feel how I felt, or that karma would catch up to them. But this time is different. This guy is different. I want him to be happy. I want him to find the girl he will actually spend the rest of his life with. I would never wish him to feel the pain that I feel, because I know how badly it hurts.

For me on the other hand, I don't think I will ever be able to move on. I loved him and I still do. I thought he was the one. I gave him my whole heart. I have nothing left to give to any one. And besides who would want to be with a Single Parent. Who wants to support another person's child if they have nothing left to give them. Whether this pain will go away or not in time, I don't know. But I do know that it will probably take the next 18 years.

Every time I look into our daughters eyes, I remember the first time I saw him, the first time we hung out. And the moment I laid eyes on OUR creation, the child that had BOTH of us in her. Those were the perfect moments in my life. My happiest moments. My last happiest moments I will probably have.

I am sorry for everything I had done to him, I am sorry that I didn't listen more, or that the stress of taking care of a child practically by myself got to me. I have said I am sorry a thousand times, and I will say it a thousand more.